Parenting

Recently there was a post going around facebook of a father whose daughter posted her frustrations about her parents online: Click here to watch it


I posted the link saying, "this is a terrible parent" and I was surprised to get the response, "No what this is is a parent that is fed up with how they are being treated and wanted to make sure that ppl knew he was not above punishing his daughter. I wish more parents today would step up and remember that punishing a child is not a bad thing."

I decided I would write a blog to discuss this matter in more depth. It is important to note that while I have a lot of experience and education in adolescent development I do not speak from the perspective of a father. Also, these statements to not reflect on my parents in any way.

This was my response:
"There is nothing wrong with correcting your kids if it is done in the right way. Modern research shows that mid-adolescents like this 15 year old girl lack what they need to be successful adults because of parents who discipline this way. In the past 30 years the skills needed for successful adulthood have risen exponentially and the ongoing adult support and guidance offered has decreased at the exact same rate. Kids are just getting better at adapting to the agenda of adults because they don’t have the nurture and care they need at home. The number one thing a teenager needs is a stable and safe family. Even men need to be tender, kind and gentle as well as encouraging, comforting and finding opportunities for positive reinforcement. Parents should model appropriate behavior. From a developmental standpoint, unloading your handgun into your daughter’s laptop, cursing at her and posting a video of it on facebook does nothing but harm. It destroys trust, continues modeling and reinforcing the exact behavior he is trying to change, and teaches her that he isn’t willing to enter a healthy conversation taking any kind of responsibility for his failure as a father. I believe that teenagers are gifted to the body of Christ and should be loved and celebrated and made to feel like they can count on their family system."


I want to take a moment to highlight some of my statements and take them a bit further. 


"It destroys trust, continues modeling and reinforcing the exact behavior he is trying to change, and teaches her that he isn’t willing to enter a healthy conversation taking any kind of responsibility for his failure as a father."  

This father reinforces negative behavior. He models exactly what he is trying to teach his daughter NOT to do.
1. Posting inappropriate things on facebook
2. Using foul language
3. Undermining the value of material things
4. Taking responsibility for your actions


These are self-explanatory. He doesn't want his daughter posting something about him but he posts something about her. He doesn't want her to use foul language but he uses foul language. He wants her to learn the value of the things he buys her but unloads his pistol into her laptop. He wants her to take responsibility for her actions but doesn't take responsibility for his own actions. 


"finding opportunities for positive reinforcement"
I worked as a counselor at the Los Angeles Youth Network for 2 years. It is a network of homeless shelters for homeless youth in the heart of Hollywood. Many of them didn't have parents and most of them had severe discipline problems. I noticed that correcting their negative behavior didn't work nearly as well as finding opportunities to reinforce positive behavior. We had a rule that guys couldn't sag their pants. A guy named Donald would sag constantly. I told him to pull them up over and over but it didn't work. Finally, I waited for the rare moment when he randomly yanked them up (otherwise they would be on the floor) and I said something like "Donald, good job keeping your pants up today. I noticed that you aren't sagging and you pulled your pants up without being asked. To thank you I will do your chore tonight." From then on he never sagged his pants again. 






"I believe that teenagers are gifted to the body of Christ and should be loved and celebrated and made to feel like they can count on their family system."


It is important to realize that adolescence is a unique life period between childhood and adult.  From a Biblical standpoint - in the gospels there was only childhood and adult with no in-between. In the Greek/Hebrew there are a lot of words for children and adults but none for teens. According to scripture teens are not adults but children. Adolescence corresponded with childhood but that is different now. Teens are to be thought of as individuals in a unique stage of life whose task is what researchers call “individuation". This is the process of becoming a unique person. In modern society you are not yet an adult until you "individuate". There might be grown ups who haven’t individuated.







I will highlight 3 questions teens might ask of their surroundings from my understanding as it pertains to being a part of the family system:

1. Identity (who am I?). This first came about in the 1950s. The community always held your identity in the context of your community. There was no separation between the world and other people. Until the 1950s the community walked with you in the process of becoming an adult.  I believe that as we get more fragmented we don’t have community to hold our identity. There is less community to reinforce who we really are. You can’t choose your identity because it will be external and will really be “performance.” I believe simply that every teen is longing to discover that they are loved. They need parents who walk with them in the process of becoming an adult.

2. Autonomy (“do I matter?”) - This is where responsible action happens. It is not about making good choices but about power and the source of the choices we make. So why would a 15 year old girl write a post about her parents on facebook? I suggest that part of the reason is she feels like she doesn't matter. She feels like the list of chores on the wall are impersonal. She is crying out for her father to connect with her and walk with her in the development process.

3. Belonging (“does anyone care?”) - Culture does everything to tell teens to produce individual conformity and only then are we a part of the family while inside they don't feel like they are the "whole package". They can’t bring anything to the table. Teens want to know that their parents care about them.


Some of the previous terms come from my perspective on research done by Chap Clark at Fuller Graduate Schools - He is an expert in theology and adolescent research.